How to Be Fucking Dire (Sai-Centric)
by Pixel.the.Square
Summary: Between Sai and graduation into ROOT stands one simple test: to court a fair maiden. The girl, Kuyoko Satomi, is no doubt a maiden, but unfortunately she's anything but fair with her attitude. Yet Sai doesn't see a problem, he has a book, and is now ready for the mission. Kuyoko can't belive Sai, his actions are... incredibly stupid. Yet he is sincere. Perhaps he has a chance...


Sai looked straight ahead at his instructor. All eyes in the room were focused on the man, it was the way things were done when you were in ROOT.

"This will be your last test before you are an official ROOT member. Assignments are being handed out now."

Everyone wordless opened the envelopes handed to them, eyes scanned the page contained within. Sai took the envelope from his instructor and opened it exactly as the others had. His eyes traced the lines of text carefully, and then once again to make sure the mission was clear.

"Nothing is more important to a ROOT member than being able to blend seamlessly into a group of people. To test your skills, you will undertake one of the hardest tests of society, the act of courtship. Your target's name is Kiyoko Satomi. You will meet her at the dango shop at 6:30 this evening.."

Sai finished processing the information and tucked the note away, making a mental note to dispose of it later. But for now, he had something more pressing. _I don't think I am prepared for this…_ One of the main lessons of ROOT was to always be prepared. He was fairly confident in his speaking mannerisms, after all, he had some of the best grades in the subject. Yet this was different.

As his many books had taught him, relationships were… different. Oddly enough, most of the books he'd read on communication pointed him to others or only had a few lines on the subject. A quick look at the time told him he had a few hours before the appointed time. _At least I have time to do some reading_ … He thought to himself.

Soon he was at the local bookstore, rifling through the shelves for anything useful. He picked up a few books and skimmed the first few pages. Most of them were dealing with the issues of being in a relationship, yet none seemed to offer any advice on starting one. That was until he pulled out one book and another fell to the floor. _You'd think all the books would be in plain sight_. Sai picked up the book and read the title.

"...Maneuvers… the lonely heart… Written by Ji…"

A lot of the front page had been lost to decay. Apparently the book had been there for some time. He flipped it over and saw that time had been much kinder to the back of the book. The entirety of it had been reasonably well preserved and was fully legible.

"Straight from the man himself comes the real deal. A step by step guide to wooing the one you love with tips from the master himself. Not a man alive could rival his success, and now, you too can be a lady killer. It's the latest installment in his wildly popular series, Maneuvers, and now even a complete beginner will be able to soothe their lonely heart!"

It was getting late, far later than Sai had wanted to be looking for a book, so he saw no reason to purchase it. He took it up to the counter and the cashier gave him an odd look, but was not one to turn down money. Sai turned and left, and he caught the man muttering something to himself.

"I didn't think any of those were left…"

 _If there's none left, that must mean a lot of people bought it._ Sai reasoned to himself. Sai was soon sitting on the couch of his small apartment with the book in hand. A glance at the clock told him he had at least enough time to read the introductory paragraph.

"If you're reading this book, then congratulations on taking your love life into your own hands. But there won't be any of that crap you see in other books, no we're jumping straight into the how, starting with First Impressions."

 _Well, the author certainly is enthusiastic_. He returned to the book, having no time to waste.

* * *

Kiyoko was mad. No, what she felt was not anger but seething rage. Why did her stupid mother have to mess around with her life? She was doing quite fine without her lovely mother signing her precious daughter up for god knows what. Her eyes fell onto the paper her mother had given her.

"You are to meet your date at 6:30 tonight at the dango shop."

 _What kind of desperate loser would even resort to something like this?_ She flopped onto her bed and thought about not attending… no way would she be able to, not after the past few times her mother had trusted her to make it to an event on her own. She looked at the paper again and tore it up.

"Kiyoko, don't you want to get ready? It's getting late." Her mother had decided she'd better get ready. Kiyoko looked at her from the bed, trying to place as much disinterest on her face as possible. "Oh don't worry, I'll help you find an outfit."

 _Classic mom, couldn't even read her daughter's face to save her life… or mine_

But there was no fighting her at this point, she'd already walked into the room. There was no hope and it was just best to let her do whatever while smiling and pretending to actually care. Or that would be the case if this was one her normal attempts. Her mother, however, quashed her chance without a second thought.

"Oh look here! It's your dress your aunt gave you for your birthday! This would be perfect… but how did it end up so crumpled?" Kiyoko didn't deign to answer such questions. Her mother sighed. "You do know this is more for me than you, right?"

 _Oh here we go again. All aboard the Guilt Trip Express._

"You're getting older, and pretty soon I won't be able to do things for you anymore. I know I've said this a lot, but could you please cooperate with me, just this once?"

There was a long silence… _Damn it_

"Give me the dress, I just want this over with." Kiyoko snatched the dress and marched into the bathroom, trying hard to both slam the door and not slam the door behind her. She didn't get to see the warm smile that her mother put on.

 _Why does this thing have to be so itchy?_

Kiyoko was regretting going along with her mother this time. She'd only just remembered why the dress had been discarded among the other rejects on the bottom of closet. It hadn't been comfortable to begin with, and time had just exacerbated the problem.

And of course Kiyoko's mood was not helped by the particularly firm grip of her mother as she walked her to the dango shop. She'd learned her lesson well. But Kiyoko was not planning an escape.

 _Why bother when sabotaging the date is so much easier?_ _Not like I care about whoever would even try blind dating._

So Kiyoko walked along without a fight, her mind already exploring the possible ways for this to go horribly wrong.

* * *

Sai was sitting straight up, back pressed up against the chair, and feet planted firmly on the ground. His last hour of reading had yielded much information. He hadn't gotten past the opening chapter, but if what it had said was true, it would be all he needed for today.

 _I wonder what kind of person Kiyoko is?_

It was a mission, and it had to be carried out no matter what, yet Sai couldn't help but feel some curiosity towards the girl that was to be the "object of affection," as the book had put it. He'd arrived early, as the book had instructed, and all he had to do was wait.

A few minutes later, he noticed a girl and her mother walking towards the shop. The mother was above average as far as Sai could tell. But the girl walking with her, she was very pretty in Sai's opinion. She wore a plain dress and had her hair tied back, a simplistic form of beauty. She appeared to be slightly younger than him, but he saw that puberty had begun.

 _Now all I need to do is make the right first impression. Good thing I have that secret weapon the book taught me._

"Hello Mrs. Satomi, Kuyoko" He addressed each in kind as they walked up, wearing his trademark smile.

"You must be Sai. From what I've been told, you are a wonderful young man. Looks like they were right. Come on Kuyoko, at least say hello before you try to pull anything."

Had Sai had his eyes open, he would've seen the glare Kuyoko had given her mother, and he would've been able to see her expression has she greeted him.

"Why hello, Sai. My name is Kuyoko Satomi, and I will be your date this evening."

 _She seems very excited to be here. Now all I have to do is wait for her mother to leave, and then I can get to work._

* * *

Sai was more handsome than Kuyoko thought he'd be. However, this wasn't going to stop her. No no, only her mother was in the way of her plans.

 _Pretty boy or not this guy's a total square. The way he talks and acts, it's too stiff._

"Alright, I'm going to leave you two alone now. Kuyoko, I expect you to be home later tonight. Don't come home in an hour."

"Of course, mother." She gave her a giant smile and waved her off. She then immediately collapsed into a chair, trying desperately not to scratch herself to relieve the dress' itchiness. Sai resumed his stiff imitation of sitting.

"What a charming woman, but now that she is gone, we can proceed."

 _Please just let this be over…_ Sai cleared his throat.

"Kuyoko, you are so beautiful that I have forgotten my pickup line."

Dead silence. _Is he… Is he for real right now?_

More silence. Someone came to take their orders, only to turn away immediately.

"I see…" Sai finally said. "I should have expected this. You do not seem to be the type to be wooed by such words."

 _No really?_ Kuyoko was determined to not say anything the entire time, even if it meant another hour of silence between the two of them.

"You know… I think you should stand up. That way, it will easily be able to sweep you off your feet."

 _What on earth have I gotten into?..._

 **A/N: Just an attempt at something that doesn't beat you over the head with humour and to get back into writing. Will probably continue**


End file.
